Drawing inspiration from Professor Ellen Langer:
“What’s something you think you know? Perhaps you think you know the answer to 1+1.”
You’ll probably say “2”.
You’ll be wrong.
Think about it this way: What’s one pile of laundry added to another pile of laundry? What’s one wad of chewing gum added to another wad of gum? One cloud plus one cloud?
In the real world, one plus one probably doesn’t equal two most of the time. If we can be mistaken about something as fundamental as 1+1, what other assumptions might be limiting our perspective?
The Joy of Noticing
A woman is preparing a Christmas turkey. After carefully stuffing and basting it and before she places it in the roasting rack, she cuts off both legs and places them in another pan to go on a lower shelf of the oven.
“Why did you do that?” I ask.
“Well, that’s how my mother taught me to roast turkey.”
You head over to her mother in the loungeroom and ask her to describe how she roasts a turkey. She lists the same steps. Then, you see the grandmother and you directly ask her why she cut the legs off the turkey.
“It’s the only way I could fit the bird in the pan”: she says.
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust
Actionable Insights
1. See with Fresh Eyes: This means looking at your family members as if you’re meeting them for the first time. For a moment, set aside your past experiences, judgments, and assumptions about them. It's like pressing a reset button on how we perceive them.
2. Appreciating Growth and Changes: People change and grow. When we see our loved ones with fresh eyes, we notice these changes more clearly. We might see new qualities, achievements, or aspects of their personality that we hadn't appreciated before.
3. Deepening Connections: This new perspective can deepen our relationships. By understanding and appreciating the changes in our family members, we can connect with them on a deeper level. It can lead to more meaningful conversations and a stronger family bond.
4. Discovering New Facets: Each person is unique, and over time, they might develop new interests, opinions, or life experiences. Seeing them with fresh eyes allows us to discover these new facets and appreciate their individuality within the family.
5. Self-Reflection and Growth: This isn't just about changing how we see others; it's also about our personal growth. It challenges us to question our biases and be more empathetic. It's a chance to grow and improve how we interact with others.
6. Balancing Observation with Self-Care: While it's important to be open and understanding, it's also crucial to look after our emotional well-being. This might mean sometimes stepping back or managing how we engage with family members.
7. Embracing Change in Relationships: Ultimately, this approach is about accepting that both we and our family members are constantly evolving. Our perceptions and relationships need to evolve too, to keep up with these changes.
In essence, seeing family members with fresh eyes at gatherings is about recognising and embracing the ongoing evolution of relationships. It's a journey of discovery, empathy, and personal growth that enriches our family connections.
Next Steps
One of the reasons people become a coach is because they are open to new possibilities for looking at the world. If you are at a stage of your life where you are excited by this prospect, make time with Dr Desley Lodwick for a complementary 30-minute exploratory conversation.
Schedule a free 30-minute exploratory discussion with Desley Lodwick here.
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